As I Get Older I Ponder...

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shit-head's.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

11. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Shit...that was fun!"

12. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

13. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."

14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

15. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT
cells live forever.